I have had an incredibly heavy heart lately, and I am not sure as to the complete reason why. Sure, there are some things going on that could be better and some things that I have been waiting for that have not shown up yet, but overall my life is nowhere near where I expected it to be, and that in itself is a gift from God.
I felt awkward since the minute I woke up today. I was overly sluggish, even for a Monday morning, and just did not have good feelings while getting ready for work. On my drive to work I prayed, asking God to give me patience with the kids (something I ask for each day on my drive to work... :) ), and thanking Him for all the amazing things He has been doing in my life. I got to school and this overwhelming feeling of sadness hit me. I was a mess, physically and emotionally. I had to do everything I could to hold back crying, for reasons I am not even sure of. I looked horrible, like my soul had literally been sucked out of me, and felt even worse. Even the kids who I really enjoy that come in to talk to me every morning could not make this horrible, gut-wrenching, in the pit of my stomach feeling go away. Thank goodness I have conference first period.
During this time, I took time to pray again, asking God to take this feeling away and help me make it through the day without completely falling apart, the way I felt inside, that I felt was going to tear out of me at any moment. Literally, not 10 seconds after I ended my prayer, my heart felt instant peace. I know that sounds incredibly crazy and unrealistic, and if I had not experienced it myself I would not have believed it, but in that moment God gave me the instant gratification I needed to make it through the day. Even as I write this blog and remember my feelings this morning, I still have complete peace in my heart.
I am confident that this is God telling me that even though He has not answered my months-long prayers (yet!!), that He still knows I am here and still loves me just the same, but it's just not the right time. Honestly, I was starting to get down and out about the unanswered prayers, but His love pouring on me seconds after I asked was definite reassurance that He knew I needed to know that my prayers have not been unheard. I cannot thank Him enough for that reassurance.
What I learned from this experience today is that I want to love others like God loves me. I want to love me like God loves me. And most importantly, I want to love God like He loves me. I want this love to shine through me, into others. Every single day I want to be a reflection of God's amazing love.
Celebration Christian Church, and the amazing people there have allowed me to begin this journey. I never would have thought being in Marion, Ohio could serve as a positive experience, but as I said earlier, my life is nowhere near where I expected it to be, but it is right where it needs to be. I wouldn't have even dreamed of it a year ago, but I thank God everyday for bringing me here now and for the people He has put in my life when I needed them most. He sure knows what He is doing!!!!!
Now my task is to let go and let God.....Let the battle begin!
